Review of Life

I fell in love with good old “Artoo” when I was a nipper. Star Wars was released in ‘77, sadly two years before my time so I wasn’t able to see it at the cinema until it was released for the Special Edition in… er… 95 I think it was, with all the gooey CGI “updates” that weren’t needed. But that’s all history, point is I grew up as a child of the ’80s and as such Star Wars was all a kid could need. Along with He-Man. And Knight Rider and all that.

Artoo was my favourite, never before has a word-less beeper ever said so much in a single whistle to make you feel like, “Yeah, I’d totally be friends with him and rip the living p*ss out of Threepio all the time.” The way his little head swivelled. The way he’d let down his middle leg to set off on a trundle that’s clearly going to make him run into the side of the corridor (good camera cutting, Lucas!). The way he fell over when the Jawas zapped him with their little electricity gun. Good times.

You know, no other robot without any real means of mechanical expression can raise their eyebrow or roll their eyes in quite the same way Artoo could whenever “dweeb” Luke was talking to him (yunno, before Luke got all cool and had a robot hand and stuff).

So I say “Thank you!” Artoo. Thank you Kenny Baker (the mini-man inside the bot), thank you Ben Burtt (who did the whistles and beeps) and thank you to everyone who made Artoo the true star he is. Oh yeah, thanks George Lucas – I guess you did OK too.

My first TV review – wowsers – such an opportunity to tell you how much I loathe the thing… but no, I love TV, it’s ace, the best thing invented since, er, radio, I guess. I love it so much, I get really depressed by adverts. No, really, it actually depresses me when adverts come on, I feel it echo in my chest like a really upsetting thing, I feel lower, my heart rate goes up as I try, fervently, to find some alternative entertainment whilst I’m sitting there bemoaning my ad-ridden fate…

… and then I relax a bit and forget the EPG and settle down to watch and listen to the most appalling attempts to part me from my money. Good God what on earth is going on when a good god would allow these kinds of things to work their way into our receptive, jelly-like brains. I don’t want L’oreal hair-dye… but on the other hand, *I really do*. It’s not fair. Maybe I should be reviewing hair dye, or maybe even L’oreal (is that right, it looks wrong…).

I want, instead to very, very briefly review adverts for insurance: home, personal, car – it really doesn’t matter. It’s all a lot of really irritating, totally impersonal and quite aggressive posturing for my money. Apparently I’m quite stupid for thinking of going with anyone else for my insurance… and frankly, I’d be a moron not to be impressed with what they’re offering me. Yunno, it kinda takes the shine off things when REALLY what they should be doing is reminding me why I bloody need insurance, and why, actually, they’re any good at what they do. I don’t want a free bleeping phone keyring, I don’t really need a nodding dog. I have no need for an aggressive overweight semi-moustachiod man telling me that he’d totally be my best friend if he could represent me next time I trip up on a paving slab.

Ugh! Adverts, bane of my life because I love TV so much. Stop torturing me, telly, give me good programmes instead! PLEASE!!!

Adverts: 4/10
Adverts for insurance: 0/10

Shocking, just shocking.